Congratulations on choosing a new Anglican minister. Your new minister is designed to give you many years of trouble-free service. To get the most from your minister, please follow these simple instructions:
Allow your minister to get started gradually in the morning, with several cups of tea and a chance to watch breakfast TV, or listen to Classic FM, Radio 1, or Radio 4, according to age and model.
Your minister will perform best in warm sunny conditions, with a temperature of between 22 and 27 degrees centigrade. The minister can operate outside these temperatures, however, as low as -10c, and as high as 40c. Pouring rain, howling wind and blizzards of snow will not usually prevent your minister from operating but you may find that performance levels will drop in adverse conditions. Lower your expectations accordingly. There may also be some deterioration in the condition of the bodywork. Protect delicate exposed parts.
Your minister needs a warm, dry, secure environment in which to live, with plenty of fresh water, clean bedding and a shower that actually works. A telephone answering machine and a decent computer provided for use are not luxuries. Many ministers work best with a degree of privacy, so that their word-processing and reasoning functions are not interrupted or impaired. If it is necessary for parishioners to enter your minister’s living space, they should know when it is time to leave.
You should not operate your minister for more than two sessions per day, and no more than four hours in a session. If you find it essential to run your minister for longer periods than this, make sure that your minister is fully recharged before you re-commence operation. Failure to follow this instruction will invalidate the warranty.
Daily and weekly maintenance should include: three meals a day, eight hours sleep a day, and twenty fours break from duty each week, to include two evenings (yes, two).
Top up your minister’s reservoir of self-esteem with regular praise. Check your minister’s levels of confidence with encouragement and positive feedback.
Negative criticism and excessive or competing time demands could damage your minister’s delicate operating systems.
Despite anything you may have heard, ministers do not generally appreciate being called after 10pm on weekdays or during the snooker on Sunday afternoons to be asked questions that can easily be answered by referring to the parish magazine or website.
Prolonged use of your minister for boring or repetitive tasks that could be done by other means will lead to excessive wear on the mechanisms, and may mean that some parts, or even the whole minister, have to be replaced earlier than the recommended intervals.
If your minister does not seem to be performing as expected, stop operation immediately and go through the above checks carefully. Your minister should respond to talking through the situation, ideally with someone other than members of your church. Please note that kicking, thumping or shouting at your minister is unlikely to solve the problem and will invalidate your warranty.
An annual 12,000 mile service of forty-eight hours complete break from duties, with peace and quiet away from the area of operation is recommended.
Failure to follow these instructions could lead to reduced performance, inefficiency, and may eventually lead to costly breakdowns.
We want you to get the most from your minister. A lot of time and money has been expended in research, development and training. Do not waste this by misuse. Any suggestions on how we can improve training and development will be appreciated.
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