Gimme Shelter

The canalside pubs of the Gloucester Sharpness Canal and environs are very fine places. We explore a number of them when we are down that way, which is not often enough, unfortunately. Only turning up every couple of years does mean that the changes that have taken place stand out. This year we noted the growth of some very fine “external drinking areas”; patios, porches, terraces and, well, huts, many provided with heating, built in barbeques, cushioned benches and mood lighting. This set me thinking.

In the nineteen seventies we had first one dog, then two dogs. Most pubs we went to allowed us in with the dogs, who were well-trained and understood that their humans were going to be sitting talking for several hours, that it was going to be boring, and the best thing to do was to go under the bench and go to sleep. The Labrador did take the opportunity to try to reach the fossilised cheese sandwich remains trapped behind the pipes, and would try to respond to the sound of a crisp hitting the floor from the other side of a crowded lounge, but otherwise they gave no trouble, and we were welcome to sit and drink, eat and talk.

In the nineteen eighties we still had the two dogs, but we also had one, two and then three small boys. Suddenly we were no longer welcome, even in some of our favourite haunts. Cast into outer darkness, a place of wailing and gnashing of teeth, we sat in unheated outbuildings far from the sound of human intercourse and all that. The furniture was the remains of the last refurbishment; slashed vinyl and broken wood, and a couple of moth-eaten dart boards. No-one came through or shared this space with us except other social outcasts with small children.

These days, things have changed. The dogs have for the most part vanished, left to die in hot cars if they’re lucky. The children are all inside enjoying chicken nuggets and making a racket, balloons tied to their chairs on their birthdays and maybe even a room full of polystyrene balls to romp about in. How the dogs would have enjoyed that! But, what of all the new shelters, patios and terraces? What clientele are they designed to serve?

Why, they are there for the smokers, of course! It’s well known that smokers catch cold easily and get piles if they sit on hard surfaces, so the very best of outside furnishings must be provided for them. Oh, and they spend a lot of money in the place too, and we don’t want to offend them and lose their custom. Hence the lavish outside developments. If only we had had such delights twenty years ago, we wouldn’t have felt like having children was a notifiable disease and enjoyed the company of our fellow man and women, and watched the sun go down while enjoying a pint.