A new George Parr sketch about post offices

I love the sketches that John Bird and John Fortune do on the Rory Bremner show on Channel 4 in UK. Here’s that hasn’t appeared, one I’ve written for them, should they chose to use it, prepared largely from actual conversations recently in connection with the Post Office plans to close up to 2,500 post offices across the country.

- George Parr, you are a senior manager with the Post Office, responsible for managing the closure programme across the country?
- That is correct, yes.
- Well, Mr Parr, could you explain to me how closing post offices will enable you to maintain or even improve the service you provide?
- Ah, well, you see, the Post Office is not a service.
- Not a service? Well what is it then?
- It’s a business. We’re there to make money for our shareholders.
- I see. So you’re not all that interested in whether people are actual able to access the services they require, in order to post their mail, or cash their pensions?
- Well, yes, of course, we are … but only if there’s something in for us, too.
- You mean profits?
- Well , yes….
- Well, now, Mr Parr, perhaps you could explain how you can be extending your business, and making profits, by closing branches?
- Well the problem is that the branches we plan to close don’t make money, but we will still be open for business, through our outreach facilities!
- Outreach facilities? What are they?
- Well you see, in remote locations, we provide outreach facilities, either through a mobile van, parked in a particular location, or through someone providing a service in, say, a village hall.
- Vans in lay-bys? Isn’t that rather vulnerable to crime and robbery?
- Ah, well, no , you see, because they are unmarked vans!
- I see… so they don’t advertise the fact that they are mobile post offices?
- No!
- So how do people know that they are there?
- Well, you see, they can look them up on the website … or they can just tap on the window and ask the driver!
- But wouldn’t that lead to all sorts of people disturbing van drivers in lay-bys and finding that they were actually just window cleaners or delivery drivers?
- Well, yes….
- And if you provide a sub-postmistress in a village hall …
- Yes?
- Well, isn’t someone sitting alone in a village hall, with a case full of cash, waiting for people to come in, isn’t that person rather vulnerable to being attacked and robbed?
- Ah, no, you see because e don’t tell people they are there!
- You don’t tell them that they are there…
- No, we keep the times and location a secret!
- You keep it a secret …
- Exactly… but say, an elderly lady wants to cash her pension; she will have the phone number of the sub-postmistress, and she can ring her up, and they can arrange to meet at the village hall, at a specified time, and transact their business, privately nd without anyone knowing about it.
- I see…. But that sounds rather like the arrangements made by a drug addict to meet their supplier in order to obtain some Class A drugs. Is that really how we should be providing post office services in the 21st century?
- Oh, but I don’t think your comparison is a fair one!
- Really?
- Oh no! I mean, in most parts of the country it’s much easier to obtain recreational drugs than it is to buy a postal order or cash a giro!
- George Parr, thank you very much.